Letter to a Girl – The Story of a Deadbeat Dad (Part 3)

This is the third part in The Story of a Deadbeat Dad. You can read the first part here, and the second part here.

I was working two jobs, and stuck in the uncomfortable situation of leaving him at home to take care of the kids, who were both under the age of two. I can not even tell you how many times I came home to the kids in dirty, crappy diapers. When I asked about it, he said he had changed them and that they had just dirtied them, but I could tell by looking at the diapers that he was lying. Most days when I came home, the house was twice as messy as when I’d left, the kids were whining, and he was playing Playstation. But I didn’t see any other option, since he obviously couldn’t get a job.

While we lived there, he’d made a few friends around the apartment complex that were less than stellar. One night, he’d been drinking and he kept threatening me. I didn’t want to call the cops, because if he went to jail, I’d have nobody to watch the kids while I was at work and we’d get evicted again. He got pissed off at me and went outside. I locked the doors so that he didn’t come in all pissed off and try to do something to me. I stayed up for a few hours, but then got tired and decided to go to bed. I unlocked the doors so that he could get in when he got back. When I woke up the next morning, he still wasn’t back. I called in to work, and started calling police stations. Midway through my calling spree, one of the neighbors called. She lived in a building across the complex, and said that she found him passed out in the hallway in a pile of his own vomit, and was bringing him to the hospital. We didn’t have a car at the time, so I said okay. He ended up needing his stomach pumped, and he was in the hospital for three days.

domestic violence cycle deadbeat dadIncidents like this were re-occuring throughout our relationship. And every time, he would try to kill himself afterwards, to make me feel bad for him. One of the last times I remember it happening, he locked himself in the bathroom, and the shower was running. I didn’t think much of it, until about an hour had passed. After I knocked and he didn’t respond, I picked the lock on the bathroom door and walked in. He was laying in the bathtub, with the shower running, with a plastic bag over his head, and a bottle of vodka next to the tub. I was so sick of this cycle happening over and over again, that I grabbed the bottle of vodka, knocked him in the head with it, ripped the plastic bag open, turned the hot water to cold, and walked out of the bathroom. Later, I was talking to his ex, and told her about it, and she said ‘Oh, he’s doing that to you now? Glad I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I was sick of saving him.’

It was at that point that I realized I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I knew though, that I couldn’t work without someone to watch the kids, and he couldn’t live on his own, because he didn’t have a job. So we came to an agreement that we would be separated, but still live together to take care of the kids. All I cared about is the ability to work so that I could keep a roof over the kids’ head. My two minimum wage jobs were barely covering it, and I couldn’t afford to miss a day of work, or we could be screwed. We had already gotten so far behind once, that we were on a payment agreement with the apartment complex, and if we were a day late on any of the payments, they had the ability to have a sheriff escort us out that day.

One night, I was at home. It was late at night, and he’d been at the bar with a few friends. deadbeat dad arrestedI called him, and whatever he tried to say to me came out as gibberish. Shortly after that, he came stumbling in the door. He started yelling at me, accusing me of going over to the neighbors house and sleeping with him. I kept trying to tell him that there’s no way I could have, because that would have required leaving the kids home alone. But he wasn’t coherent, and wasn’t processing what I was saying. Before I knew it, he had lifted me out of my chair and had me doing a backbend over the top of the couch. He had me pinned there, and was screaming at me, and he spit in my face. I managed to gain the strength to get out of that position, and as soon as I stood up, he head-butted me, and blood started pouring from my nose. I cupped my hand under my face and ran to the bathroom and locked the door. He was still yelling at me, and I told him he needed to leave. ‘What are you going to do? Call the cops?’ he yelled through the door. The cops… I could call the cops…

Click here to read the final part of the story.

7 comments for “Letter to a Girl – The Story of a Deadbeat Dad (Part 3)

  1. Holly
    March 5, 2013 at 9:53 am

    When I was 19 I got involved with a 30 year old man, though the abuse came on much quicker and we never married the story breaks my heart seeing such similarities. After our daughter was born he went to jail, after just getting out! He killed himself in there only one month after I gave birth, it took me years to quit blaming myself. I’m now happily married with the children at 24. I often wonder what my life would have been had he not passed, my mother says she always wondered when she would get the call saying he killed me. But for the Grace of God. How many of us women get so trapped and sucked in to these circumstances? Not stupidity, maybe stubbornness, maybe false hopes. But more taken advantage of in every way possible. Love reading your tale! Thank you

  2. Dina
    March 5, 2013 at 10:03 am

    There are so many that do not get out it is scary. I was a lucky one also and got out, but not before it almost destroyed my 3 oldest daughters. I was a punching bag for 9 years. I had 3 girls from my first marriage which also ended with an abusive alcoholic husband, I had just had my son with this guy and I didn’t want another failed relationship so I tried. He is now in prison for molesting 2 of my three girls and I am happily married to a guy 16 yrs younger than I. We have 2 daughters and he wouldn’t dream of hitting me, or even drinking too much. He buys a 12 pack and literally it will sit in the fridge for a month.I feel for the women that are afraid to get out. There is help out there.

  3. Michelle
    March 5, 2013 at 10:24 am

    I can totally understand your story. I too met a man that had 3 children that he rarely paid child support for. He was mostly mentally abusive, but occasionally he did hit me. I to decided to marry him anyway. But I was not warned about him beforehand. I suffered thru not paying rent or bills, moving in with my mom, and they her moving out of state and us having no where to go. We finally had a decent house and thing were going well, if you can call it that, then he lost his job. I worked 2 jobs, one as a school bus driver, the other at UPS overnight. So you know how well I felt driving your precious angels to school every day? He refused to get a real job, he preferred instead, to stay home because he was sure I was cheating on him. On Labor Day when my daughter was 9 we were at his Mom’s house and he was drinking, as usual, and because I didn’t fix him a plate to eat, he got pissed and walked home. It wasn’t that far. Of course he was home getting drunker by the hour, and he showed back up and proceeded to fight with me. I tried to hold it together, because after all, I was there with his WHOLE family, I was the outsider, but when he left again, I told them just what an ass he was. No one took my side, even his brother and his wife, that lived next door and heard our arguments daily. That was the day I decided I had had enough. One month later I moved my daughter and myself to where my mother had moved several stated away. Sixteen years later, he owes over $60,000 in child support, and has seen his daughter maybe 6 times in that time. It was a very rough time to begin with, I had no skills, because he wouldn’t let me go to school to gain any, and we lived with my Mom for several years, but we came thru the other side and things are great now. She has a college degree, make that 2 degrees and works in Washington DC for the federal government. I think I did great after all. Before his mother died, she said he really screwed up when he let me go. I tend to disagree.

  4. Natalie
    March 5, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    Man… Its crazy how we push ourselves to believe in these men for so long. I was 17 naive and when my bf of 2 years begged me for a baby and swore to me he would give me the world I believed every second of it. little did I know he was cheating, stealing my step moms jewelry to pay for weed… I was blind. To make it worse, I went to jail at 7 months pregnant for his theft crimes. when I got out three days later he dropped me off in a homeless shelter and I haven’t seen him since. that was 11 years ago…. he destroyed my life, my record… and my self esteem. All these things I eventually straightened out but it took a long time. I see these girls being sucked into the same trap and I just want to shake them and tell them they are way to good for these guys and have such bright futures ahead of them.

  5. Denise
    March 8, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    I have a friend who feels stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship, because of her kids. They haven’t even been married a year and he has been treating her like shit for well over a year. She got pregnant 2 months before the wedding and felt obligated to marry him. My sister also got pregnant by a total scumbag. Luckily she didn’t put his name on the birth certificate. He will have to pay $400 to get a state paternity test, but all that will do is lead to him having to pay child support so he isn’t likely to do that. I also have a deadbeat dad who ran out on my barely 18-year-old mom and I when I was 1. He was in and out of my life only a few times growing up. Now I’m 34, and he still has very little to do with me. I am so happy you’re with a wonderful man now who can teach Dylan and Piper how a real man treats his wife and children. I wish you all the best!! BTW, I live in a tiny town on the NE/IA/SD border – hope some of this beautiful weather we’re having today is close to you as well!

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